Dodging the Trauma Spiral
Sarah Fargo O’Brien’s Journey with Integrate Trauma-Informed Network
When Belonging Professionally Feels Out of Reach: The Struggle of Not Fitting In
Have you ever been part of a group or organization? Either by choice or obligation? I’m sure you have, as most of us have, at some point in life, whether this was a sports team, a work team, a volunteer team, or a social team. Can you reflect and recall what your experience has been like in groups, organizations or teams? How would you describe it? Did you feel accepted? Did you feel like you fit in? I know for me there have been many times I have participated in a group or team and did not feel like I fit in…or did not feel like I was valued…or did not feel like I was equal to everyone else. If you are REQUIRED to remain on a team or in a group like this, I feel for you. It feels absolutely terrible to be obligated to participate in a group with other people when you feel left out, less than, and different from (in a bad way).
Now, the number of times I have felt like that AT WORK is staggering to me. Feeling less than and not valued at work, where we spend the majority of our day, week, year, and life as an adult, is just brutal. Sometimes I have felt like I clicked with my team members, and other times team members were rude to me while being kind to everyone else. Sometimes I have felt like I was heard and appreciated by bosses, and other times bosses have literally singled me out and left me crying in a meeting with a group of people present. Sometimes I have felt comradery and companionship with my team members, other times I have felt ostracized and thrown under the bus by team members.
Sometimes I felt as though my supervisor cared about my wellbeing, and other times I have literally been hushed and basically told to deal with it by that same supervisor. Okay, I get that everyone is human, and we’re not going to feel warm and fuzzy towards everyone all of the time, nor will others behave in a warm and fuzzy way towards me all of the time. However, I shouldn’t feel shitty about myself as human just because of the position I have at work.
How Workplace Hierarchies Harm Our Mental Health and Self-Worth
Work is a microcosm of the greater social structure in which we all live. Most workplaces also instill a hierarchy, with leadership at the top and the producers, providers, most other people are at the bottom. With this hierarchal structure comes implication that those at the top (leadership) are more valuable than those at the bottom (everyone doing the work).
We have all adopted and accepted this implication, often feeling as though there is nothing we can do about it anyway, so we might as well accept it, accept our position—on the bottom—and, therefore, accept being treated differently. The more I say this out loud, the worse it sounds, and the clearer the dysfunction appears. How did we ALL get to a place of accepting being treated as less than just because we are not in a position of leadership at work? And I say ALL because it pretty much is ALL. As a practicing psychotherapist for the last 15 years, I have worked with thousands of adults wanting to improve their mental health. I can say without a doubt that the two main topics discussed and addressed in the therapy space are 1) Relationships and 2) Work, and then, of course, how those things are impacting their mental health and overall functioning in their roles in the world.
I literally get to be the fly on the wall at all of these work places. I get to hear all the gritty details of how things run, the work they produce, and the movers and shakers of the company or business. I also get to hear all about managers, supervisors, bosses, C-Suite executives, you know, leadership, at these workplaces. And I would say, 85%-95% of the people I’ve had the privilege to work with have shockingly terrible stories about leadership at their workplace. I mean, bullying, retaliation, manipulation, lying, false promises, taking advantage, blaming, refusing to accept accountability, you name it, I can bet you I’ve heard of it happening in leadership in nearly every industry. And folks who work under these leaders are STRESSED. They often struggle with symptoms of their mental health diagnosis, have sleep problems, have health problems, fear retaliation, fear of setting boundaries…adults are quite literally afraid to set boundaries at work, especially with their boss, due to fear of being fired.
Allow me to emphasize that last point: Adults are quite literally afraid to set boundaries at work due to fears of being fired. Or retaliated against. Or ostracized on their team (for being different and setting boundaries in the first place!).
Breaking Free from Workplace Fear
Adults are afraid of both relational and financial consequences for making decisions that make sense for their wellbeing, their capacity, their experience, their literal and actual health at work. Today, many, if not most, adults would say they are not comfortable saying ‘no’ or setting boundaries at work, especially with leadership, because of these fears. And often these fears are born out of truth, because this kind of thing happens all too frequently—folks are retaliated against in some way when they say ‘no’ or attempt to set boundaries at work.
That is not okay. Yet we all have accepted this as ‘the way it is’ and also accepted ‘there’s nothing I can do about it.’ I will challenge you on both with some examples from my own life, workplaces, and experiences in groups, teams, or communities of people.
How I Found Unmatched Professional Support
About two years ago I got connected (miraculously) with this group of professionals, and nothing has been the same (in a good way) ever since.
The role of community within this affinity group in both my professional and personal development is unmatched from any other community I’ve ever been a part of, and as an extrovert with hyper fixation on relationships and belonging, I’ve been an active part of many different kinds of communities in my day, to include, churches or other faith communities, volunteer missions, non-profits, board member for non-profit organizations, and therapist peer support consultation groups to name a few. None have provided the level and depth of both personal and professional community that exists within Integrate, for me anyway.
Being a part of this group has helped me grow and change in ways I didn’t anticipate by increasing my professional confidence, and helping me to avoid getting re-traumatized in work situations and professional collaborations. Everywhere it seems there are people who want to take advantage of other people, and as a caring, giving, person who is also a helping professional with history of codependency, this can happen very easily to me, and it has, many times. Running things by this group in terms of outside contracts, professional relationships and collaborations, even random comments or things said out there, I can bring inside here and know I’m going to get sound, thoughtful insights, advice only if I ask for specific guidance/direction/opinion, care and consideration for me as a person bringing the issue to the group, and continued belonging no matter what decision I make or how things turn out in my own personal or professional situation. I’ve never experienced anything like it, either socially or professionally in work settings. It’s truly remarkable. And let me tell you, you can FEEL the difference from what we’ve ALL gotten used to.
Redefining My Worth
One of the most valuable aspects of this group for me has been the ability to use my skills where they make sense, and be fairly recognized for using my skills where they make sense. Freedom to choose projects/initiatives coupled with guidance and support is amazing to have in a professional space. This affinity group gave me my first opportunities for paid writing, which not only helps enhance my writing skills, but enhances my confidence in my writing skills so that I can be firm in boundary setting out there for when someone asks me to do a writing project…I will no longer get taken advantage of or retraumatized by agreeing to commit to projects for which I do not get paid for my time and expertise, something this group supports and empowers me to stick to. This has been completely unexpected, yet an absolutely solid result of being a part of this group, and has been vital for upholding confidence in myself, my skills, and my boundaries. Boundaries of any kind are hard to set, harder to communicate, and even harder to enforce when necessary. Having support to set boundaries that make sense for me, personally to protect my nervous system both/and professionally to protect my time, energy, and financial security is remarkable, nearly unmatched, and ridiculously important to me specifically, and something I didn’t think existed.
After 15 years of hearing about shitty work environments and experiencing several shitty ones myself, I can say with confidence, what Integrate Network has going on, what they value, promote and live by doesn’t readily exist hardly anywhere else. It’s unique in the best possible way. And it’s a model for how ALL groups should operate. Whether a sports team, a work team, a volunteer team, or a social team trauma informed principles should be the guiding light for structure, for communication, for collaboration, and for conflict resolution. Because without trauma informed leading the way, the likelihood that SOMEONE (and realistically probably a lot of someones, a lot of people) will get hurt in the process of executing whatever goals that group, team, or organization has is really high. I’ve experienced it myself, more than once. And I’ve walked with thousands of adults who have experienced the same thing. I can assure you, people are getting hurt in the course of doing business, getting hurt by just showing up to do their job, and it really shouldn’t be that way, should it? I don’t believe so. I am forever grateful for my community within Integrate Network, as they help me grow personally and professionally, they help me gain new skills and practice new skills, they help me set and maintain necessary boundaries for my wellbeing, they help me, as I said before, from getting retraumatized in the course of doing business, or work.
Thriving in Trauma-Informed Spaces
I was motivated to join Integrate to be surrounded by other professionals with the same values, with their own business goals, with experience reaching business goals, in hopes I could expand and reach some of my own business goals, and to do so within a ‘safe’ community. The fact that Integrate vets its members was a huge component in feeling safe to join a group of strangers that I never met in person and start talking shop and collaborating on projects. The vetting and verifying of skills, trauma informed skills (which are people skills, human-to-human interaction skills) carried heavy weight for me in joining yet another network, because I, too, have had bad experiences so the fear of more bad experiences, specifically with people, is real and true for me. This network both understands that about me, and works with me knowing that fear is real for me and could (likely does) impact how I show up. It isn’t a barrier, though. It doesn’t put me on the outside looking in. It is accepted, I am celebrated for all the good stuff I bring to this group, I am challenged to grow beyond my past circumstances and I am held accountable (gently and with permission) to the things I say and the things I do.
Integrate Trauma Informed Network has been pivotal in my realignment, realignment with work, and realignment in other parts of my life. And, like I said, I will be forever grateful.
Won’t you join us? At least check us out! Download the app to gain resources, classes, handouts, and insights from our network of Trauma Informed Professionals, who, as you know, are vetted and verified in their practice of trauma informed skills.
Sarah O’Brien is a clinical social worker and mental health copyrighter based out of Ashland, VA