Level Up Your Leadership: Build Emotional Intelligence and Reduce Harm
Strategies for trauma informed harm reduction practices by Sarah O'Brien, LCSW
Sarah O’Brien is on our blog today talking about managing emotions in our roles of self-leading and developing our people leader skills. Connect with Sarah on our Directory of Affinity Group Members
The Influence of Emotion on Decision-Making
Something that gets in the way of sound decision-making is emotion. When we feel something, emotionally, especially if it is intense, then our ability to think, reason, make decisions, execute decisions or actions, including having a conversation are limited, if non-existent (this is based on neuroscience). Emotions are great; emotions are informative; however, emotions need not be in the driver seat making all the decisions. If we allowed emotions to rule, well then, we’d probably all be eating chocolate cake—or insert junk food of choice—way too often, among other things that likely are not good for us, even though they feel good for us... in the moment, at least.
Do you know when you’re caught up emotionally? Do you know when an emotion grabs you? How can you tell? If you cannot answer these questions, then I’m going to have to ask you to dive into doing some self-work. Have I done this work? Absolutely! In what ways? Well, I am active in my own therapy and trauma healing, which benefits me both personally and professionally, especially when it comes to recognizing and regulating my emotions.
Recognizing When Emotion Takes Over
Also, I have completed Dare to Lead certification, which is basically therapy for work! I also am held accountable by others and myself; I read and reflect; I make peace with the ugly parts of myself and/or the ugly behaviors that have been born out of trauma, heartache, or relational turmoil. I learn. I practice. I make mistakes. I make empathy misses. I unintentionally hurt. I own that, apologize and repair, learn some more, practice some more. And that’s the cycle. And it likely will always be this. We are not perfect, people. Humans cannot be expected to never hurt one another, get it wrong, make a mistake, or do something out of emotion that we wish we didn’t. So, if this is to be expected of ALL humans, in ALL spaces, how do we deal with this? And, how do we deal with this in leadership?
First, and foremost, is your own awareness about your behaviors (as well as, feelings and thoughts that drive those behaviors). Folks, there’s no easy way to self-awareness, especially self-awareness at a high level. You HAVE TO put in the work. And it takes work. You have to be reflective, which means creating time and space to just be with yourself SO THAT you can be reflective. Often, this requires seeking external support or guidance, like with a therapist (sometimes a coach, more often a therapist though, so, yea, you’re also going to have to make peace with whatever stigma still exists for seeking out therapy…pardon me as I roll my eyes, because as a THERAPIST, there is nothing wrong or stigmatizing about my profession—different soap box for a different day!). It also requires transparent honesty with yourself, about yourself, and with whatever third party guide you have entrusted. We cannot get to REAL self-awareness if we’re lying to ourselves, or lying to the ones helping to hold us accountable to our choices and actions. And putting in the work also means it’s an ongoing process and evolution—never a one and done! You don’t get a rockin’ beach body by going to the gym once, or learning about the equipment or exercises you can, and need, to do to be physically fit without following through with action, consistent and continual effort of doing the same thing (more or less) again and again until you reach the result you are looking for. Same is true for self-awareness and emotional intelligence. You can’t just read about it, and understand it, then never apply it. You can’t just apply it once and believe you have ‘arrived’ into self-awareness. Being self-aware is a PRACTICE. It doesn’t end, as we evolve and change, our circumstances evolve and change, our ability to check in with ourselves and our current patterns is necessary, it doesn’t end.
The Value of Self-Work and Self-Awareness
Once you have accepted that 1) you need to gain a better self-awareness, 2) it’s an ongoing practice and 3) you need accountability and consistency to do it well, THEN, you do the work! What is ‘the work?’ Well, for one, it’s accepting the three things listed above. That takes work, people! It takes mental, emotional, physical energy and effort to become self-aware, period. Next, it takes work to identify your body, mind, behavior cues IN THE MOMENT they arise or get activated (formerly known as ‘triggered’). This is what I like to call next-level awareness. The ability to tap into your mind and body DURING any situation or interaction IS SO HARD! And this is coming from a psychotherapist who has also been active in her own psychotherapy for 20 years. And yes, this is still hard! There is basically no way to do this unless you practice doing this…and then get feedback from others about how you’re doing with this. Yea, I know, scary AF, but that’s the work.
Building Our Capacity for Emotional Intelligence
More work comes with then identifying the specific emotional experience you’re having in any given moment, correctly naming the emotion for yourself, understanding thoughts (or stories we tell ourselves when this emotion comes up, or that emotion comes up, or this situation happens, or that situation happens etc.) that arise, and knowing what urges you have and/or actions you typically take when this emotion comes up or that situation happens. This is often the part that requires outside guidance. Most of us WERE NOT TAUGHT anything about social-emotional awareness, learning, or behaviors. Which, when you think about it, is just crazy sauce! How did we get to a place of NOT RECOGNIZING the immense benefits of understanding social and emotional things as we move through the world? No idea, yet here we are. I certainly didn’t learn anything about this growing up—not from my family system, not from organized learning in school, not from coaches, teachers, or mentors. Just did not learn anything about my emotions, emotions in general, my social behaviors, social behaviors in general, in any kind of formalized or specific way.
The Work Behind Emotional Awareness
Guess what happens if this is our experience? (and it’s probably the experience of just about everybody born before 1999). We learn by proxy, or rather, we learn by example, media, behavior modeled by others. This is NOT a good way to learn. Why? Because learning by proxy is subjective and not universal, and often comes with faulty messages. Example: I was never explicitly told or taught that the way I look as a person born as female would color, or affect, the experiences I would have with people—but, my god, do they! And instead of LEARNING anything about this, I just EXPERIENCED it as I moved through life, picked up a bunch of faulty and erroneous messages, that, quite frankly, have not served me, my safety, or my health, well. We NEED to understand social-emotional dynamics to not just avoid harm, but to actually THRIVE in life.
Breaking Down Emotional Reactions
Final bit, for today anyway, the work continues AFTER all that (see everything above) in the way of THEN learning to manage your emotions, and subsequent actions/reactions to those emotions in HEALTHY and NON-HARMFUL ways. And not harmful to others OR to you. Hurt people hurt people, this includes if you’re hurting yourself, then it’s more likely you will have less empathy, care, consideration for others BECAUSE you are hurting, whether you intend to hurt others or not. This last piece is a REALLY HARD part of the work. We have to recognize when we’re grabbed by an emotion, what the typical thoughts-feelings-urges-actions are that tend to follow, not do those things or get caught up in those things/patterns, change course to managing/coping with the emotion in a HEALTHY way that doesn’t cause harm to self or those around you. THIS IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE.
Managing Emotional Responses
So, if you have not made your way through all of this SELF-WORK (with practice and accountability), then, I’m sorry, you CANNOT claim to be 1) self-aware, 2) emotionally intelligent or aware, or 3) TRAUMA INFORMED (or human-centered). It just isn’t so. You can’t claim to be about people if you don’t understand and have consideration for the EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE of people. You can’t claim to be about people if you refuse to do your own work and, therefore, just PERPETUATE HARMFUL PATTERNS. You can’t claim to be about people if you perpetuate harmful patterns and then MAKE EXCUSES for why those patterns exist or have played out, again.
Emotional Intelligence and Leadership
How do we deal with this in leadership? Well, in case you missed it, you have to do your own work (outside of the employment or workplace or organizational setting) and then APPLY MORE EFFECTIVE SKILLS in the moment, in real time, with real people (inside the workplace or organizational setting). Again, you CANNOT just read this article or some other article, or multiple articles, or books and think you’ve got it, because, you don’t. Social-emotional learning and awareness require APPLICATION. What good does it do to KNOW these things but never put anything into practice, i.e. not really make any changes or adjustments to better show up in life, in work, in relationships? Yea, none.
Transforming Insight into Actions That Minimize Harm
If this KNOWLEDGE does not translate into ACTION, then the knowledge does very little to affect positive change over any situation, interpersonal interaction, or relationship. And if you are a leader of any kind, implied or appointed, then you already should know that knowledge is not enough, it’s how to execute said knowledge to drive outcomes. And trauma informed leaders execute a high degree of emotional intelligence (of self and others) to drive the outcome of REDUCED HARM, and INCREASED SAFETY, hopefully for all people, in all places and spaces.
Lead with Humanity in Decision-Making and Empathic Action
How do we get to better DECISION-MAKING? Especially us leaders? By leveling up our social-emotional awareness, of self, and others, to INFORM our decision-making based on principles and practices that see, put, value, human beings over everything else. Human beings over being right… making money… wielding power… reacting the way we want. If our common (imperfect and highly emotional) humanity DOES NOT MATTER TO YOU, then I can’t see how ANY of your decisions would be made with consideration of the humans that may, could, likely will be, affected by your decision. If you’re a leader, this is a problem. If you can’t do this—increase your emotional awareness and intelligence—then you should not be leading anything or anyone, or be in any position of power where YOUR decision-making impacts human beings. As many of my colleagues around the world have been saying: Do Better.
Connect with Sarah
Navigating Chaos with Confidence: Unlock Trauma-Informed Skills
Disclaimer: This section of the blog is not about labeling survival behaviors as “bad” and trauma-informed decisions as “good.” Instead, its purpose is to help us recognize the broader range of choices available to us when we experience activation in a given moment.
Sometimes, survival mode decision-making is the best—or even the only—option accessible to us in that moment. And that’s okay. Survival responses are essential and wise in keeping us safe. However, survival strategies aren't always conducive to helping us thrive, especially in areas where we want to foster healthy growth and community care. With the support of therapy, we can move from this survival space into one that enables critical thinking and nervous system regulation, empowering us to make trauma-informed decisions.
If you’re a professional who feels stuck in the cycle of survival mode, I invite you to explore our Trauma-Informed Leadership Course. This program equips you with the tools to transition from surviving to thriving using the KHAOS Mindset Skills. Visit www.letsintegrate.live to learn more! (Pssst... don’t forget to follow @khaosmindset and @candicox220 for more insights and updates!)
Tomorrow, I’ll be sharing how each KHAOS Mindset Skill aligns with our trauma-informed decision-making plan. You won’t want to miss it, so make sure to follow @khaosmindset and @candicox220 for all the updates.
But for now, let’s reflect on the examples outlined in the table above and consider these questions for growth:
What might happen if automatic people-pleasing shifted into a pause to notice your triggers and responses?
How could moving from being reactive to assessing situations help you respond mindfully to perceived threats?
What if feelings of powerlessness transformed into making simple, authentic, and autonomous choices?
Could we replace the instinct to shut down with a pause to assess your personal capacity?
Instead of repeating unhealthy patterns, what might change if you created a safety plan with the support of a mental health therapist?
These reflections are the first steps in moving toward healthier, trauma-informed decision-making. Let's cultivate a mindset that prioritizes growth, connection, and community care—one step at a time.
Sign up for our Trauma informed Leadership Symposium
Affinity Group Member Highlight: Fihmiya Hamdan
I’ve always felt that the strength of a community lies in its connections.
Have you ever thought about how deeply connection impacts every layer of a business or organization?
Whether it’s in a workplace, a digital platform, or a nonprofit, I believe we all share a universal need to feel connected, valued, and empowered. It’s what makes us human. It’s also what drives me in my work.
I support communities by restoring, strengthening, and maintaining the connections that hold them together.
How I Build Lasting Connections
I focus on creating meaningful, genuine connections. Through fostering open conversations, embedding shared values, and deepening relationships, I don’t just spark change—I create an impact that resonates long after the work is done.
About Me
I started as an Educator and Instructional Technologist, but my passion for human connection led me to where I am today—a Community Manager and Social Impact Advisor. Leaving the classroom was bittersweet, but I knew my mission could extend further by working with diverse communities to build something greater. By blending my background in education with an innovative mindset, I specialize in building inclusive, impactful spaces.
My Mission
To inspire and nurture inclusive communities that thrive together.
My Vision
I help communities grow by creating opportunities for meaningful conversations, strengthening bonds, and weaving shared values into the fabric of mission-driven organizations.
Who I Work With
My focus is on partnering with dedicated leaders, changemakers, and organizations who want to amplify their impact and align their actions with their values.
How I Can Help You
Are you looking to enhance your community, align your mission with action, or create greater social impact? I’d love to help you build something amazing. Together, we can strengthen your foundation, deepen connections, and amplify the power of your community.
Reach out to me anytime—send me a DM or email me at hamdanf128@gmail.com.
Let's build stronger communities together!
Mark Your Calendar: Resilience UnLeashed with Hounds of Business Community Happy Hour (featuring Julie on this LinkedIn Live Event)
GET READY FOR THE HOLIDAYS AND THE NEW YEAR! The Hounds of Business are bringing together four powerhouse experts to decode the mysteries of stress management, personal transformation, and goal achievement just in time for the holiday season and New Year!
𝐎𝐮𝐫 𝐄𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐭 𝐏𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐥:
David Medansky, The Health Guy: The Health Guy - Corporate Wellness Pioneer
April Wyett✨: Trusted Wellness Expert & Transformation Specialist
Michelle Ward, CHC, MS: Holistic Health & Self-Sabotage Coach specializing in Subconscious Reprogramming
Julie Johnson, M.S., ATS, CPS: Trauma-Informed Strategist and Business Leader
𝐊𝐞𝐲 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐏𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐬:
Holiday Stress Survival Toolkit
Understand the subconscious patterns that trigger stress
Learn practical strategies to maintain mental and physical wellness
Discover how to protect your energy during high-pressure seasons
Decoding New Year's Goal Blockades
Explore why most people fail to achieve their resolutions
Uncover the subconscious beliefs that sabotage personal growth
Mindset shifts that support lasting transformation
Compassionate strategies for personal leadership
𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐀𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐞𝐬 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐋𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧:
How to identify and interrupt stress response patterns
Tools for sustainable personal and professional development
Strategies to reconnect with your authentic self
Practical methods for setting and achieving meaningful goals
𝐄𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐭 𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐓𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐫:
Michelle Ward, CHC, MS will reveal how our childhood experiences shape our current behaviors
David Medansky, The Health Guy will share his 9 Golden Rules for Living a Healthy Life
April Wyett✨ will guide listeners in "Working from the Inside Out"
Julie Johnson will provide trauma-informed approaches to personal growth
Join us for this transformative conversation that promises to equip you with the tools, insights, and inspiration to navigate the holiday season with grace and step into the New Year with confidence and clarity!
Exciting Things Are Coming Your Way!
Here’s what’s happening next for us—we can’t wait to share it all with you!
The Big One: Our app is launching mid-December! 🎉 You’ll hear ALL about it soon (we promise not to overload you with the details just yet).
Mark Your Calendars: Our Trauma-Informed Leadership Symposium kicks off on March 1st, and we couldn’t be more thrilled to bring this to life.
Looking Ahead: The Trauma-Informed Leadership Cohort launches with Efficiency Cohorts and Certifications rolling out in April 2025—get ready to lead with impact! (Stay tuned here for more details)
Get Moving: Weekly yoga classes are ramping up starting next week, offering connection, movement, and mindfulness.
Want to stay in the loop on all of this goodness (and more)? Subscribe below, and you’ll always be the first to know. We’ve got so much to share, and we’d love for you to be part of it! 💌