Understanding Attachment Styles
A Key to Effective TI Leadership by Sarah O'Brien, LCSW
The Basics of Attachment
What do you know about attachment styles? Anything? Well, attachment styles develop in a person based on the relationship they had with their primary caregivers as children. Usually this is parents, however, grandparents, aunts and uncles, or other adults who cared for you and your needs could also be responsible for your attachment style as an adult.
So, the first self-reflection question is: Who raised me? There are four attachment styles as determined by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in their early research called The Strange Experiment. They determined adults end up with one of these attachment styles: secure, disorganized, anxious-insecure, and anxious-avoidant.
Many wonder if they have any control over this and the short answer is: no. How to avoid developing one of the non-secure attachments? You can’t. We don’t have choice over who raises us and how. We don’t get to choose what we learn from dysfunctional
family systems, and what we let go. We can’t discern unhealthy and toxic behavior as dependent children who need caretakers. We simply depend on, and then receive, whatever is given to us. And many of us were not given healthy and safe attending and attuning by our parents. And, this leaves us insecurely attached as adults. And, this can show up iterally in any relationship, no matter how close.
How You Can Find Your About Your Attachment Style
So, folks, if you can’t avoid whatever attachment style you develop, what CAN you do about it? First things first: learn about the attachment styles, their differences, and self-reflect on yourself and your family of origin (again: Who raised you? How did they raise you?). If you want more detailed information about each of the four attachments and how they
show up in adult relationships, check out my blog articles on this subject. You can view characteristics of each style in list form for quick reference to get an idea about which attachment style you have.
Then, to heal from an anxious attachment—or said this way, to develop secure attachment—you must do some self-work! This means seeking out psychotherapy with a qualified professional who is proficient in trauma disorders and attachments. It takes intentional effort to help you uncover patterns you have developed as a result of early attachment.
Remember to be easy on yourself. This isn’t your fault. You couldn’t have avoided it. And for most, it is really, really hard to see the effects of poor early attachment later in life.
How Attachment Impacts Leadership
What does any of this have to with Trauma Informed Leadership? Well, quite a lot, actually. Why? Because all non-secure attachments are born out of unhealthy, toxic, traumatizing environments in childhood. Trauma, early childhood trauma especially, negatively impacts a person as they move through life. Some of this negative impact shows up as one
of the anxious attachments. Ongoing issues with attachment, attunement, and authentically showing up as yourself will
impact a person’s feeling seen, understood, accepted, and included. And if we don’t feel seen, loved, accepted by others, then we might be incurring MORE RELATIONAL TRAUMA. More injury. So, if we don’t address our lived experiences of trauma, and if we don’t address the non-secure attachment style that developed as a result, then two major things can occur: we end up getting re-traumatized in relationships and we end up re-traumatizing others with our unhelpful relational behaviors and patterns. Both of which are bad for business, let’s say. All business, actual business, and the business of life and just living it, in and among other people.
Doing the Self-Work
Part of knowing and understanding your own attachment style is rooted in self-work. What self-work? Self-awareness, of course, and that only comes with self-reflection, as I’ve already mentioned. Intentional and dedicated work on yourself is necessary to gain present-minded awareness about your current attachment style…and how those behaviors,
patterns and beliefs affect your interactions with other people. Because they certainly do! Yes, your attachment style will indeed be the framework for how you approach people, any people, of any level of closeness.
And this includes leaders and those they lead. So, if you call yourself a leader, or otherwise hold a role or title as some kind of leader, then it is absolutely vital that you know and understand your attachment style AND do your own work to heal any non-secure attachment, so that you don’t accidentally cause harm in the course of leading. Really so that you don’t accidentally cause harm in the course of being. But it’s extra important if you are a leader.
Building-Up Self-Awareness
A huge pillar for Trauma Informed Leadership is next level self-awareness and emotional intelligence. If you don’t know your attachment style, then it’s safe to say you are lacking in self-awareness, and lacking in self-awareness about something that can, and does, have a big impact on whether or not leadership is effective. Leaders that lack this self-awareness, also, not surprisingly, lack this awareness about others. And that is a deficit in emotional intelligence.
Without self-awareness AND emotional intelligence (to a high degree, at that) then there is no way, shape, and/or form you are engaging in Trauma Informed Leadership. Trauma Informed Leadership takes into account other people’s lives experiences of trauma, and subsequently, anxious attachments that develop as a result. Trauma Informed Leadership takes into account that we will see, and be subjected to, people’s poor patterns of behaviors at times…and we have to display empathy and compassion for these behaviors, at least for the people behind the behaviors, which we know are not their fault, even if they haven’t gotten around to addressing things yet. Trauma Informed Leadership takes into account our own struggles and pitfalls, and extending empathy and compassion to self (probably harder for most people than extending this to others), too. Trauma Informed Leadership means being dedicated to ongoing self-work to maintain present-moment awareness of our activations, defenses, and where old and faulty patterns emerge…and thenowning any accidental harm we may have caused, taking accountability to address the ‘miss’ and repair the damage with the other person(s), and humbly accepting and valuing ongoing learning about self, others, and best practices for human-to-human interactions.
Showing up with Compassion and Self-Honesty
Trauma Informed Leadership takes what we know about trauma, our own and others’, what we know about the effects (negative impact) of trauma on people and their behaviors, and using that information to inform HOW WE do life…and business…and relationships. It’s HOW WE address our own stuff and old wounds SO THAT WE can show up better in spaces and places with other people (hopefully without causing more harm, because, you know, that is the whole damn point of trauma informed anything!). Trauma Informed Leadership means knowing and understanding YOUR attachment style and how that plays out in YOUR relationships with others, and YOUR leadership of others. Trauma- Informed Leadership is accepting YOUR past lived experiences and any unsavory behavior YOU engage in when around and amongst others. Trauma-Informed Leadership means having compassion for YOURSELF first, SO THAT YOU can extend such empathetic compassion to others.
Working out our Imperfections
Trauma Informed Leadership is making space for YOUR humanity (i.e.imperfection, mistakes, misunderstandings etc.) SO THAT YOU can make space for others’ humanity (i.e. imperfection, mistakes, misunderstandings etc.) SO THAT ALL people can feel seen, accepted, and (hopefully) safe around YOU. So that, YOUR decision-making as a leader maintains this information in the foreground, so that YOU can make decisions, that affect other people, WITHOUT causing unnecessary and undue harm. And we do ALL OF THIS by prioritizing learning and applying trauma informed principles and practices to all parts of self and life, and especially to any communication or decision we convey as a person in leadership. And, it all starts with going back to the beginning, to YOUR origin story and figuring out what faulty or unhelp things YOU picked up in the first place. Then, believing change is possible. Then, embarking on that change journey. Then, and only then, do you have a chance at being, or becoming, a Trauma Informed Leader. ( check out this list of some pioneers blazing the trail in Trauma Informed Leadership!)
So, have you done your self-work? What are you waiting for!? It’s work that actually benefits everyone…ESPECIALL YOU!
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